It probably was the time to wake up. I opened my heavy eyes. What was wrong? Nothing but darkness. I tried to open and close them rapidly over and over again, in an attempt to adapt to the lighting conditions. Still nothing. Complete and disorienting darkness. I tried to get up from the bed. Maybe I should search for the light switch. Impossible to do it. There was no bed beneath. I was floating. I tried to move. Still no reaction from my limbs. They were numb too. Like my consciousness. I searched for the most logical answer.
-"This is a dream. It surely is a dream. It can't be something more. But wait a minute. Never before had I understood that I was dreaming within a dream"
So it was not a dream. I was gliding through the air, completely motionless. I should had been scared. Surprisingly I wasn't scared. I was intrigued. I had always been waiting for a miracle in my life. A "black swan" situation. A completely and undoubtable non logical situation. Here it was. How many people had been floating on thin air without prosthetic means. Finally. My orthological mind was facing a phenomenon that it could not even understand. Let aside explain. The experience was rather fascinating.
The compass in my mind was not showing north. In fact it was steadily turning to all directions. Like a "carousel". I decided to give it another try. My body began moving, completely slowly in the beginning but the moves where decisive and steady. In the darkness I was standing on my feet at last. And now the dark horizon was not an enemy anymore. I was looking at a never ending abyss of complete emptiness. But it was familiar. In real life, some time ago, I had found this emptiness. Alone, on a pier overlooking the ocean. That beautiful scenery which every poet would be jealous of was nothing more than an image overwhelmed by the dullest color in any painter’s palette. The "gray". On that day, on that pier even the warm tears that were rolling down my chicks were gray. And life continued to become more and more an empty vessel. A despicable void. I once thought it was a curse. Later I found the explanation in punishment. It occurred to me that I was being punished for something bad I had done. Yet I was never able to pinpoint that act that unleashed the menace of life on me.
Suddenly the lights of a carousel lit. In the complete darkness, the carousel was an eye candy. I had never ridden a carousel in my whole life. And this one was made for kids. I would never fit on that tiny ponies going up and down a pole and turning around and around. A soothing music started from the old rusty but full of life carousel. Oh, that familiar music from my mother's small music box. I would watch for hours the small ballerina dance when the lid was opened back at the time when I was a little child. I entered the carousel. I was all alone. No one would say anything. No one would even care or notice that I was taking that ride. The vivid lights where distorting my vision. I had grown accustomed to the darkness, and the sudden change made the ride uncomfortable. I grabbed a pole, on which the painted pink pony was moving up and down, like it was dancing under the melody of the music. There was no way my adult body could fit on that made for children pony. How could ever an adult fit in a dream toy made for kids anyway?
The carousel ride was unexpectedly pleasant. I was riding a carousel. And I loved it. Sometimes you have to let yourself become a child to understand the freedom of not having to rationalize everything. Some old tube screens lit up on the middle pillar of the carousel. Nothing was shown. Only static. The screens were all dusty and old. Like they had been preserved from the 80's. One by one the screens began showing images. In each one of the 18 screens there was a child playing. I was mesmerized staring at the images on the screens which were changing in a strange pattern. Like they were telling a story. I was so focused on the images, that did not even realize that the carousel had came to a halt. The lights progressively were going out, living in the end only the screens lighting up the scenery. The center column, where all the screens were attached was rotating. obeying some strange force. A force which focused on certain important images inside the screens. The rotating column along with the flickering light of the screens were creating a rather impressive scenery. Shadows were overruling the whole place. I could not take my eyes from the constantly changing images on the screens. It was like each screen was only playing images of one certain age for each child in there. Fascinating. A closer look revealed the obvious truth. Every screen represented a year of the same child's life. It was ME. My whole childhood was flashing before my eyes. That was impossible. Yet very interesting. The uncomfortable place the carousel was before, flooded with images from a life I had almost forgotten. A story was being revealed. I had no need to explain, how or why this was happening. Why should I find a reasonable answer? My mind was always trying to come to reason with everything that it came in touch with. My childhood was not a matter of debate. Suddenly, without no obvious sign, the screens one after the other began going black. The last light source had gone out. Complete darkness again... I was expecting that though. I was still holding the pole. And I had just watched a movie of my own life. I had no reason to panic.
And as suddenly as the screens blacked out the same suddenly began flashing like symphony of thunderstorms in the night. One by one the screens lit up with a bunch of white letters in a black background. The column began rotating once again. And every screen had the same message written...
"Do you want to return back there???". I could not move my eyes from the messages. The column turned faster by the minute. It reached a vertigo speed, and there was no possible for me way to understand the message written. The spinning image gave out a strange optical illusion. Like the very first movie ever made. The "bird in the cage" optical illusion. A bright idea, used by illusionists who wanted to impress the crowds, was later the reason which the modern movie industry was built on. An image of a bird standing alone on the one side of a thick carton paper. A cage on the other side. And two strings attached on both sides. When the illusionists turned the strings in increasing speed, the bird was "imprisoned" in the cage. Yet in the carousel illusion no bird got imprisoned. The illusion was crystal clear. The speeding column, showed on the screens one thing. A countdown..10,9,8...I remembered the question.
"Do you want to return back there???". I had to answer. And I had to do it quickly.....7,6,5. How can you make such a life decision in such short notice....4,....3...
- "No", I said confidently.
Nothing happened. No magical tricks, no answers. Nothing at all......the countdown was still on.....2.......1
- "NOOOOOOOOOOO", I shouted with all the might that was left on my voice. It was so impulsive. It was a war cry, elevating from the depths of my soul, and rising through my whole body. I thought my voice could break every crystal glass of the world. Yet the darkness had a very strange ability to drown the sound as well as the light. The countdown reached its last number, and faded. The screens where filled with static once again. Nothing had happened. The big carousel was dead once again. The chance to relive the happiest days of my life was lost. And the carousel seemed like it had a soul. It understood that this chance was gone, and it was turning back to the darkness from whence it came. I stopped holding the pole that I had been grabbing all along that crazy ride, and moved down the carousel. Once again, I was surrounded by the thick darkness.
Doubts settled in. I wondered why did I answer this way to that mind disorienting machine. "Ο γέγονε, γέγονε". What's done is done, like the ancient Greeks said. No turning back I thought. The nostalgia from witnessing those beautiful childhood scenes surely scented the dark air with a melodramatic aroma. I felt the sudden urge to walk. The numbness had already been a thing of the past after the carousel experience. I walked along with no destination and no goal through the dark painted scenery. It was what I really needed. at the moment. Movement. My heart was now beating on it's normal rate. My blood was flowing through my veins and the mind had already started making plans, out of an empty situation. That was the most important lesson. Motion brings motion.
I walked and walked.. Time and space could not be measured in that God forsaken place. That strange walkabout was destined to prepare me. Cause all along the journey to the unknown, it had fired millions of thoughts in my mind. And they banged liked the fireworks of New Year in Times Square. It was something I had never seen before. Those thoughts were all colorful exactly like the fireworks on the night sky. They gave color and brightness to the darkness. The necessity for acting became an independency of the mind. That motion had revolutionized the cogs of my mind that had been barely moving for years. And now they were all working in full capacity, driving my train of thought and imagination to far away destinations. To places I had never visited.
The moody darkness was now a friend and not an adversary. There were no stimuli from the outside environment. And this was helping my thoughts to settle in. It distilled them, and finally they were purified by everything the world could spoil them with. I didn't know if I wanted it never to end, or if I wanted to share my experience with other human being. Would they understand? Would they mock me? Would they try to exploit my world or imprison my thoughts. Well, like every other time life took the oars of my boat and steered me to whichever destination it wanted. Now I was being driven to a light spot on the edge of the horizon. I could choose to walk away, but actually there was no real choice in it. The very same person that created that light over there knew I would never resist. So I walked towards the bright white light, hypnotized, like a fly is bedazzled on the sight of sugar. The more I reached for the light the more I could define it's shape. It was a doorway, no bigger from the normal doorways in everyday houses. I finally was close enough to enter the doorway of light. A sudden burst of consciousness overwhelmed me. Walking that door would probably take me to some magical uncharted place. But I would have to leave the darkness behind, and with it the serenity and the sound of the impact my own thoughts made to that strange dark place. I took three steps back. I would either pluck up my courage and rush into the light or turn away and start striding in the darkness. The choice was now mine. Only mine. Fate should stay away. I just had to choose between dark and light. Between unknown and known. I was a fool though. I knew I would never be able to take such a decision. Not only a fool but a big coward too. I was afraid to lose my previous state of mind, because it was my real self, with my real thoughts concealed by everyone with that veil of darkness. But on the other side, I so much needed that change. So I sat down on the ground waiting for some kind of sign, to rock me to one side or the other. This was one of the moments where life decides to lay the cards on the table and shout out that dealer wins. The unwritten law of casinos. The dealer always wins. Luckily when the dealer called “life” wins, it returns all the winnings of the other naive "losers" to us. So my dealer after winning from me and the other players all our belongings, he stripped of his casino uniform, took me by the hand bought me a beer at the nearest bar, and after chatting with me, shared all his winnings.
Now the bright light of the open doorway, was being substituted by a strange shadow. A shadowy silhouette was being formed in front of the light flooded doorway. It emerged from the light. But I could not discern any details of that person. The bright light behind him let me perceive only his shadow. It was like a student-teacher scene. I was sitting on the ground, in full awe and excitement and the man was confidently standing over me, with a posture that could reveal a deep wisdom. No one talked. I was somehow amazed and thrilled, but completely lost for words. He on the other side, was talking to me through his silence.
- "You never seize to amaze me", he finally said, with a steady voice. "Didn't you always dream to turn back time and make the best of what is now your pitiful life?. You were given the chance on that carousel. Why did you have to say no?".
That man knew way much more than his already decisive looks revealed. I had no words to say for a moment. He caught me way out of guard. Those thoughts in the dark, had given me so many answers. But not the one I needed now. I finally answered believing that I would murmur foolishness. But it turned out that my soul was talking instead of me.
- "While I was on that carousel, I witnessed the first 18 years of my life. Needless to say, I witnessed the most beautiful years of my life. I was full of energy then. Full of passion. I wasn't thinking much. I was only acting impulsively. I was never a "Dennis The Menace" kind of child. But I did act recklessly from time to time. Those were amazing years. My life took the wrong turn after those 18 years had passed. You asked me why did I choose not to return. Don't you see that having returned I would have killed my childhood just to make a life to live comfortably as an adult? No. No matter what the pain I am swimming into these days, I would never do such a repulsive thing to my "childish" self".
The man smiled secretly like he had been waiting for the exact same answer. He was about to make his next question but a thought flashed in my mind.
- "Wait.. I know your voice", I replied with a trembling amazed voice.
- "Of course you know it. I have been talking in you mind for so long. Since the day you discovered your uniqueness. Since you became the example of a real man. The example of a real human"
- "How can have you been talking in my mind sir. That voice, which you imitate so easily, is the voice of my consciousness. It speaks to me only when I have doubts about what I am going to do. It rationalizes my thoughts sometimes. Others it double dares me to do things. It provokes me or encourages me. It strips me off my prejudism about the things I hide in my mind. And shows the nudeness of other thoughts I make. But that voice, sir, always leaves me a choice. It is me who acts in the end. No one else"
- "And do you know exactly what is consciousness my friend? Have you ever thought who puts that voice in your head? Do you think everybody has consciousness? Let me tell you a secret I learned from a wise Sufi I met on my trip to Tibet" The strange shadow man was about to continue his speech, but catching my worried look he asked.
- "What do you find so peculiar in my words?"
- "Sir I am so jealous of you. I've never been to Tibet. It is a holy sacred land and I want to visit such a tranquil place. But, I have never been out of my country actually. And it is my dream to travel the world and meet people. Good,bad,black,white,Asian,wise,naive,old,young. Every kind of man. Communication is our only weapon against the tyranny of loneliness. Both literal and spiritual.".
- "You know my friend, I'll be honest with you. Sufis do not dwell in Tibet. I thought you knew that. And I have never been to Tibet either. The oppression it has been under, makes me feel guilty for being a human. Actually the secret I wanted to tell you, I heard it from the taxi driver that brought me here".
Now it was my turn to laugh, and it was the first time I laughed for as long as I could remember. He seemed to cheer up too watching me laugh so hard.
- "Listen to what I have to tell you", he continued while he was dressing his face with his serious look. "Like I told you, not everybody in this world have a voice of consciousness. Just go back in your memory. Do you remember when was it the first time you heard this voice? I am sure you don't, so let me freshen a bit your memory. This voice was born on the first day you doubted yourself. On the first day you dared to doubt your strongest beliefs. I still remember that day. I remember your words as if you uttered them now. -Everybody says that I am wrong. But I know deep inside me that I am not. Maybe I should adopt the ideas of others after all. There's no possibility I could be right and all these people be wrong. I am not that brilliant to defy them." he did not say anything for some seconds. He deliberately used that pause, so that my mind could remember. Obviously on the course of time those memories were buried in my mind. He knew it already so before I could even say a word, he continued.
- "Don't worry. It's not bad that you don't remember. I just want to inform you that you were right, regardless of what the others believed. Don't forget the story of Galileo. He was the only person on the planet, that proclaimed that the Earth was turning around it's axis and around the sun. One man against a whole planet. Yet, he was the one who was right in the end. He defied the whole world, with his revolutionary "heliocentric" idea. Even the Pope himself.. He had something you have never found though. He did not doubt himself. He chose to be accused of heresy than betraying his own ideas. His own self". Another pause for my mind to grind all the new information. The pause was shorter this time. He continued almost like he had witnessed my whole life from the day I was born.
- "These are all I had to tell you about consciousness. But you should know I am not your consciousness talking. I am more real than you think".
- "Are you an angel? Are you my guardian angel?", I replied with a bit of shyness in my voice and a bit of guilt for saying something that made no sense at all.
- "Ha ha....". He laughed again. And with no time to lose he continued with his deep consolidating voice.
- "They are calling me with different names. Yes. In the past few people called me an angel. What do you think I am? As you can see, I have no wings on my back."
I got troubled both by his mysterious inquiry and his straight way of referring to his identity.
-"I have no clue at all, what you can be sir. My mind is so confused all this time that I can't think clearly".
- "That has always been a drawback of yours. You never notice the obvious. You must search deeper for meanings, that me and the world and even other people have hidden there for you. They are everywhere. People who love and care for you leave them for you to decipher and most of the times even they don't know it".
- "I am not very good in reading between the lines sir. But I promise I will honestly try from now on".
- "Listen my friend. I am here to give you another chance. You seem to have learned a valuable lesson. Don't try to deny it. You are a good person. You are a bit naive, because all the good persons don't see the dark side of the world. You lived in dreams for so long. And when people destroyed your dreams, you continued loving them. You still tried to change them into better. You believed in them, and believed in the light that was hiding deep inside them. And when the carousel gave you the chance to change all those things for yourself, you refused. Cause deep inside you, you had already made you choice. You would sacrifice yourself for a greater cause. So not only you were noble towards others, but you also managed to save yourself too. I will give you a chance to make your life better from now on. The lesson you've learned today liberated you from your fears. That's my gift to you. When you return back to REAL life, you'll be able to change your life on your own. You will never have to pray for a miracle again, because you will be creating the miracles you need. You will have to excuse me now, but I have to go". The strange man turned his back and began to fade into the light. But for a moment he stopped.
- "I forgot to tell you this. When you wake up you will not remember any of this".
I wanted to run after him but my limbs were numb once again. My journey to the opposite side had already begun.
- "Sir don't go. Please. You have to explain. How can I change, if I won't be remembering anything when I wake up?". I tried to reach him, I shouted at him, trying to get an answer. But it was already too late. He had vanished inside that never-ending light. I was breathless from all the effort to take an answer. With no more strength in my body, which had already begun getting numb, I laid on the ground. The light of the strange doorway had already gone out. I was left once more to where it all had begun. My last words to that man echoed inside my mind.
- "Sir don't go. Please. You have to explain. How can I change, if I won't be remembering anything when I wake up?".
Suddenly his reassuring voice returned in my head.
- "Don't worry my friend. Our hearts and our souls, remember all the things our memory in unable to".
I already knew that the transition was taking place. All my body was frozen. My eyes could not get used to the dark that had been released once again. They flickered for a moment and then shut with an almost unreal way.
The screaming guitar solo woke me up. I've always been a fan of rock music. Even if rock artists were considered drug addicts or alcoholics, they left in the world music scene rare diamonds. I was a rock star once. It did not last long because life had other plans for me. But it was a time I was happy working with my old band. There was unbelievable chemistry with all of the guys. And chemistry is an essence that really gives communication a strong uplifting. My beloved black guitar was still hanging on the wall of my room, serving now as an ornament. And reminding me of some beautiful moments of the past. I had forgotten the music playing all night.
- "What did I drink last night?", I wondered. "Damn. I forgot the music playing all night. But why didn't I listen to it until now. Feels like I was in a deep dream, which I can't even remember of”. The man was true to his words.
I stood up and walked to bathroom. I walked like a blind man, stumbling upon every piece of furniture. My eyes were burning. Like I had been in darkness for long and they were now complaining. But my room was full of light, since it was morning and I had already forgotten to close the blinds on the windows the previous night. Before my hands could touch the running water to wash my eyes, I heard the sound of the door bell.
- "Who can it be now?", I said and my voice was heard like a pirate moaning. I opened the door only to see a young child no more than 10 years old standing on my doorway. It was the younger member of a family comprised by two parents and other five children. They had all migrated from another country 4 years ago searching for a better life. They were living since then in our neighborhood. That youngling was dirty, and full of bruises from the countless times he had stumbled with his rusty bike. His clothes were over worn, and torn almost in every side. That little guy though, had a very strange spark in his eyes. He had nothing in this world. Only his self discovered games. And his imagination every day was building a new one. I could see him sometimes from the balcony, playing all alone in the park. His whole family were descent people too. They were discreet hard working people. And they loved all of their children despite the fact that they could offer them almost nothing of the material goods. Those people surely deserved a better future.
- "Mister James.I am very sorry to bother you. My mother said that I should come to you because you are not like all the other old people in our neighborhood. She said that you went to college and maybe you could help me". That kid had learned so quickly the new language. His accent was strange but he had made steps in learning, at a lever that the best linguists in the world would be jealous of. After all, children learn way faster than adults. They see it as another way of playing. And they are open to anything. Their mind is pure and free of concerns and memories.
- "Come inside MY FRIEND. I have a nice bottle of chocolate milk in the fridge and some cookies in the kitchen, and I need some company to finish them off". I pet his head as he walked in my apartment. We had breakfast together.
- "Your mom did good to sent you to me, cause those cookies where too many for me. But you should know that I quit college. That's something your mother doesn't know I guess".
- "You can still help me Mr. James." the kid said like he was apologizing for something bad he had done.
- "I will help you, but you must call me Jim like my friends call me, from now on. Ok?"
- "Ok Mr. Jim. Listen. I want you to write a letter for me. My parents don't have enough money to send me to school, and all those kids mock me because of my dirty clothes. I was trying to write this letter alone, but I don't know how to put the letters together. I want you to write that letter for me".
- "And what is this letter about my little friend?".
- "Do you know the rich family that lives across the road? They have a daughter. I wake up every day early in the morning to watch her daddy put her in the car on the way to school. And I sit on the pavement in the evening, to see her when she goes to her piano lessons. I want to watch her all day, Mr. Jim." he said with the childhood innocence of the first love.
- "Adults call what you feel love my friend. Did you talk to her?"
- "No I did not. But one day she smiled at me. She is so beautiful. Her daddy is rich. She goes to a private school. She takes piano lessons. She always wears the most expensive clothes. My father says that she will never talk to someone so poor like me. But my mom said that you should help me write a letter to her. She believes that she is a good girl, and that our God will help me talk to her. I will leave the letter outside her door in the evening. I will not sleep all night Mr. Jim to be sure that I will see her read my message".
- "I really want to help you my friend, but I don't know what to write to your letter".
- "Why Mr. Jim. Didn't you ever feel what you adults call love?". That little guy was sneaky. But his words were innocent. He was telling the truth.
My memory turned back some years. At the age 24. The tear that began rolling down my chick was the best answer to the little boy's question. I wiped it carefully with my finger. The boy was so obsessed with his love letter that did not even notice.
- " I will help you my friend. But I am not good at writing love letters. I remembered a song I wrote for my band some years ago. They never agreed to it though, because it was a love song. Bring me that paper and the pen from my office and I will write it down for you". The boy ran like the wind to bring that piece of paper. Love is so strange. Like they say in my country "Love does not discriminate between ages". He got back in a blink of an eye.
- "Here's how it goes" I told him, and he was staring in my eyes like his own life was hanging from my pen.
I was dreaming of an angel
So it was not a dream. I was gliding through the air, completely motionless. I should had been scared. Surprisingly I wasn't scared. I was intrigued. I had always been waiting for a miracle in my life. A "black swan" situation. A completely and undoubtable non logical situation. Here it was. How many people had been floating on thin air without prosthetic means. Finally. My orthological mind was facing a phenomenon that it could not even understand. Let aside explain. The experience was rather fascinating.
The compass in my mind was not showing north. In fact it was steadily turning to all directions. Like a "carousel". I decided to give it another try. My body began moving, completely slowly in the beginning but the moves where decisive and steady. In the darkness I was standing on my feet at last. And now the dark horizon was not an enemy anymore. I was looking at a never ending abyss of complete emptiness. But it was familiar. In real life, some time ago, I had found this emptiness. Alone, on a pier overlooking the ocean. That beautiful scenery which every poet would be jealous of was nothing more than an image overwhelmed by the dullest color in any painter’s palette. The "gray". On that day, on that pier even the warm tears that were rolling down my chicks were gray. And life continued to become more and more an empty vessel. A despicable void. I once thought it was a curse. Later I found the explanation in punishment. It occurred to me that I was being punished for something bad I had done. Yet I was never able to pinpoint that act that unleashed the menace of life on me.
Suddenly the lights of a carousel lit. In the complete darkness, the carousel was an eye candy. I had never ridden a carousel in my whole life. And this one was made for kids. I would never fit on that tiny ponies going up and down a pole and turning around and around. A soothing music started from the old rusty but full of life carousel. Oh, that familiar music from my mother's small music box. I would watch for hours the small ballerina dance when the lid was opened back at the time when I was a little child. I entered the carousel. I was all alone. No one would say anything. No one would even care or notice that I was taking that ride. The vivid lights where distorting my vision. I had grown accustomed to the darkness, and the sudden change made the ride uncomfortable. I grabbed a pole, on which the painted pink pony was moving up and down, like it was dancing under the melody of the music. There was no way my adult body could fit on that made for children pony. How could ever an adult fit in a dream toy made for kids anyway?The carousel ride was unexpectedly pleasant. I was riding a carousel. And I loved it. Sometimes you have to let yourself become a child to understand the freedom of not having to rationalize everything. Some old tube screens lit up on the middle pillar of the carousel. Nothing was shown. Only static. The screens were all dusty and old. Like they had been preserved from the 80's. One by one the screens began showing images. In each one of the 18 screens there was a child playing. I was mesmerized staring at the images on the screens which were changing in a strange pattern. Like they were telling a story. I was so focused on the images, that did not even realize that the carousel had came to a halt. The lights progressively were going out, living in the end only the screens lighting up the scenery. The center column, where all the screens were attached was rotating. obeying some strange force. A force which focused on certain important images inside the screens. The rotating column along with the flickering light of the screens were creating a rather impressive scenery. Shadows were overruling the whole place. I could not take my eyes from the constantly changing images on the screens. It was like each screen was only playing images of one certain age for each child in there. Fascinating. A closer look revealed the obvious truth. Every screen represented a year of the same child's life. It was ME. My whole childhood was flashing before my eyes. That was impossible. Yet very interesting. The uncomfortable place the carousel was before, flooded with images from a life I had almost forgotten. A story was being revealed. I had no need to explain, how or why this was happening. Why should I find a reasonable answer? My mind was always trying to come to reason with everything that it came in touch with. My childhood was not a matter of debate. Suddenly, without no obvious sign, the screens one after the other began going black. The last light source had gone out. Complete darkness again... I was expecting that though. I was still holding the pole. And I had just watched a movie of my own life. I had no reason to panic.
And as suddenly as the screens blacked out the same suddenly began flashing like symphony of thunderstorms in the night. One by one the screens lit up with a bunch of white letters in a black background. The column began rotating once again. And every screen had the same message written...
"Do you want to return back there???". I could not move my eyes from the messages. The column turned faster by the minute. It reached a vertigo speed, and there was no possible for me way to understand the message written. The spinning image gave out a strange optical illusion. Like the very first movie ever made. The "bird in the cage" optical illusion. A bright idea, used by illusionists who wanted to impress the crowds, was later the reason which the modern movie industry was built on. An image of a bird standing alone on the one side of a thick carton paper. A cage on the other side. And two strings attached on both sides. When the illusionists turned the strings in increasing speed, the bird was "imprisoned" in the cage. Yet in the carousel illusion no bird got imprisoned. The illusion was crystal clear. The speeding column, showed on the screens one thing. A countdown..10,9,8...I remembered the question.
"Do you want to return back there???". I had to answer. And I had to do it quickly.....7,6,5. How can you make such a life decision in such short notice....4,....3...
- "No", I said confidently.
Nothing happened. No magical tricks, no answers. Nothing at all......the countdown was still on.....2.......1
- "NOOOOOOOOOOO", I shouted with all the might that was left on my voice. It was so impulsive. It was a war cry, elevating from the depths of my soul, and rising through my whole body. I thought my voice could break every crystal glass of the world. Yet the darkness had a very strange ability to drown the sound as well as the light. The countdown reached its last number, and faded. The screens where filled with static once again. Nothing had happened. The big carousel was dead once again. The chance to relive the happiest days of my life was lost. And the carousel seemed like it had a soul. It understood that this chance was gone, and it was turning back to the darkness from whence it came. I stopped holding the pole that I had been grabbing all along that crazy ride, and moved down the carousel. Once again, I was surrounded by the thick darkness.
Doubts settled in. I wondered why did I answer this way to that mind disorienting machine. "Ο γέγονε, γέγονε". What's done is done, like the ancient Greeks said. No turning back I thought. The nostalgia from witnessing those beautiful childhood scenes surely scented the dark air with a melodramatic aroma. I felt the sudden urge to walk. The numbness had already been a thing of the past after the carousel experience. I walked along with no destination and no goal through the dark painted scenery. It was what I really needed. at the moment. Movement. My heart was now beating on it's normal rate. My blood was flowing through my veins and the mind had already started making plans, out of an empty situation. That was the most important lesson. Motion brings motion.
I walked and walked.. Time and space could not be measured in that God forsaken place. That strange walkabout was destined to prepare me. Cause all along the journey to the unknown, it had fired millions of thoughts in my mind. And they banged liked the fireworks of New Year in Times Square. It was something I had never seen before. Those thoughts were all colorful exactly like the fireworks on the night sky. They gave color and brightness to the darkness. The necessity for acting became an independency of the mind. That motion had revolutionized the cogs of my mind that had been barely moving for years. And now they were all working in full capacity, driving my train of thought and imagination to far away destinations. To places I had never visited.
The moody darkness was now a friend and not an adversary. There were no stimuli from the outside environment. And this was helping my thoughts to settle in. It distilled them, and finally they were purified by everything the world could spoil them with. I didn't know if I wanted it never to end, or if I wanted to share my experience with other human being. Would they understand? Would they mock me? Would they try to exploit my world or imprison my thoughts. Well, like every other time life took the oars of my boat and steered me to whichever destination it wanted. Now I was being driven to a light spot on the edge of the horizon. I could choose to walk away, but actually there was no real choice in it. The very same person that created that light over there knew I would never resist. So I walked towards the bright white light, hypnotized, like a fly is bedazzled on the sight of sugar. The more I reached for the light the more I could define it's shape. It was a doorway, no bigger from the normal doorways in everyday houses. I finally was close enough to enter the doorway of light. A sudden burst of consciousness overwhelmed me. Walking that door would probably take me to some magical uncharted place. But I would have to leave the darkness behind, and with it the serenity and the sound of the impact my own thoughts made to that strange dark place. I took three steps back. I would either pluck up my courage and rush into the light or turn away and start striding in the darkness. The choice was now mine. Only mine. Fate should stay away. I just had to choose between dark and light. Between unknown and known. I was a fool though. I knew I would never be able to take such a decision. Not only a fool but a big coward too. I was afraid to lose my previous state of mind, because it was my real self, with my real thoughts concealed by everyone with that veil of darkness. But on the other side, I so much needed that change. So I sat down on the ground waiting for some kind of sign, to rock me to one side or the other. This was one of the moments where life decides to lay the cards on the table and shout out that dealer wins. The unwritten law of casinos. The dealer always wins. Luckily when the dealer called “life” wins, it returns all the winnings of the other naive "losers" to us. So my dealer after winning from me and the other players all our belongings, he stripped of his casino uniform, took me by the hand bought me a beer at the nearest bar, and after chatting with me, shared all his winnings.
- "You never seize to amaze me", he finally said, with a steady voice. "Didn't you always dream to turn back time and make the best of what is now your pitiful life?. You were given the chance on that carousel. Why did you have to say no?".
That man knew way much more than his already decisive looks revealed. I had no words to say for a moment. He caught me way out of guard. Those thoughts in the dark, had given me so many answers. But not the one I needed now. I finally answered believing that I would murmur foolishness. But it turned out that my soul was talking instead of me.
- "While I was on that carousel, I witnessed the first 18 years of my life. Needless to say, I witnessed the most beautiful years of my life. I was full of energy then. Full of passion. I wasn't thinking much. I was only acting impulsively. I was never a "Dennis The Menace" kind of child. But I did act recklessly from time to time. Those were amazing years. My life took the wrong turn after those 18 years had passed. You asked me why did I choose not to return. Don't you see that having returned I would have killed my childhood just to make a life to live comfortably as an adult? No. No matter what the pain I am swimming into these days, I would never do such a repulsive thing to my "childish" self".
The man smiled secretly like he had been waiting for the exact same answer. He was about to make his next question but a thought flashed in my mind.
- "Wait.. I know your voice", I replied with a trembling amazed voice.
- "Of course you know it. I have been talking in you mind for so long. Since the day you discovered your uniqueness. Since you became the example of a real man. The example of a real human"
- "How can have you been talking in my mind sir. That voice, which you imitate so easily, is the voice of my consciousness. It speaks to me only when I have doubts about what I am going to do. It rationalizes my thoughts sometimes. Others it double dares me to do things. It provokes me or encourages me. It strips me off my prejudism about the things I hide in my mind. And shows the nudeness of other thoughts I make. But that voice, sir, always leaves me a choice. It is me who acts in the end. No one else"
- "And do you know exactly what is consciousness my friend? Have you ever thought who puts that voice in your head? Do you think everybody has consciousness? Let me tell you a secret I learned from a wise Sufi I met on my trip to Tibet" The strange shadow man was about to continue his speech, but catching my worried look he asked.
- "What do you find so peculiar in my words?"
- "Sir I am so jealous of you. I've never been to Tibet. It is a holy sacred land and I want to visit such a tranquil place. But, I have never been out of my country actually. And it is my dream to travel the world and meet people. Good,bad,black,white,Asian,wise,naive,old,young. Every kind of man. Communication is our only weapon against the tyranny of loneliness. Both literal and spiritual.".
- "You know my friend, I'll be honest with you. Sufis do not dwell in Tibet. I thought you knew that. And I have never been to Tibet either. The oppression it has been under, makes me feel guilty for being a human. Actually the secret I wanted to tell you, I heard it from the taxi driver that brought me here".
Now it was my turn to laugh, and it was the first time I laughed for as long as I could remember. He seemed to cheer up too watching me laugh so hard.
- "Listen to what I have to tell you", he continued while he was dressing his face with his serious look. "Like I told you, not everybody in this world have a voice of consciousness. Just go back in your memory. Do you remember when was it the first time you heard this voice? I am sure you don't, so let me freshen a bit your memory. This voice was born on the first day you doubted yourself. On the first day you dared to doubt your strongest beliefs. I still remember that day. I remember your words as if you uttered them now. -Everybody says that I am wrong. But I know deep inside me that I am not. Maybe I should adopt the ideas of others after all. There's no possibility I could be right and all these people be wrong. I am not that brilliant to defy them." he did not say anything for some seconds. He deliberately used that pause, so that my mind could remember. Obviously on the course of time those memories were buried in my mind. He knew it already so before I could even say a word, he continued.
- "Don't worry. It's not bad that you don't remember. I just want to inform you that you were right, regardless of what the others believed. Don't forget the story of Galileo. He was the only person on the planet, that proclaimed that the Earth was turning around it's axis and around the sun. One man against a whole planet. Yet, he was the one who was right in the end. He defied the whole world, with his revolutionary "heliocentric" idea. Even the Pope himself.. He had something you have never found though. He did not doubt himself. He chose to be accused of heresy than betraying his own ideas. His own self". Another pause for my mind to grind all the new information. The pause was shorter this time. He continued almost like he had witnessed my whole life from the day I was born.
- "These are all I had to tell you about consciousness. But you should know I am not your consciousness talking. I am more real than you think".
- "Are you an angel? Are you my guardian angel?", I replied with a bit of shyness in my voice and a bit of guilt for saying something that made no sense at all.
- "Ha ha....". He laughed again. And with no time to lose he continued with his deep consolidating voice.
- "They are calling me with different names. Yes. In the past few people called me an angel. What do you think I am? As you can see, I have no wings on my back."
I got troubled both by his mysterious inquiry and his straight way of referring to his identity.
-"I have no clue at all, what you can be sir. My mind is so confused all this time that I can't think clearly".
- "That has always been a drawback of yours. You never notice the obvious. You must search deeper for meanings, that me and the world and even other people have hidden there for you. They are everywhere. People who love and care for you leave them for you to decipher and most of the times even they don't know it".
- "I am not very good in reading between the lines sir. But I promise I will honestly try from now on".
- "Listen my friend. I am here to give you another chance. You seem to have learned a valuable lesson. Don't try to deny it. You are a good person. You are a bit naive, because all the good persons don't see the dark side of the world. You lived in dreams for so long. And when people destroyed your dreams, you continued loving them. You still tried to change them into better. You believed in them, and believed in the light that was hiding deep inside them. And when the carousel gave you the chance to change all those things for yourself, you refused. Cause deep inside you, you had already made you choice. You would sacrifice yourself for a greater cause. So not only you were noble towards others, but you also managed to save yourself too. I will give you a chance to make your life better from now on. The lesson you've learned today liberated you from your fears. That's my gift to you. When you return back to REAL life, you'll be able to change your life on your own. You will never have to pray for a miracle again, because you will be creating the miracles you need. You will have to excuse me now, but I have to go". The strange man turned his back and began to fade into the light. But for a moment he stopped.
- "I forgot to tell you this. When you wake up you will not remember any of this".
I wanted to run after him but my limbs were numb once again. My journey to the opposite side had already begun.
- "Sir don't go. Please. You have to explain. How can I change, if I won't be remembering anything when I wake up?". I tried to reach him, I shouted at him, trying to get an answer. But it was already too late. He had vanished inside that never-ending light. I was breathless from all the effort to take an answer. With no more strength in my body, which had already begun getting numb, I laid on the ground. The light of the strange doorway had already gone out. I was left once more to where it all had begun. My last words to that man echoed inside my mind.
- "Sir don't go. Please. You have to explain. How can I change, if I won't be remembering anything when I wake up?".
Suddenly his reassuring voice returned in my head.
- "Don't worry my friend. Our hearts and our souls, remember all the things our memory in unable to".
I already knew that the transition was taking place. All my body was frozen. My eyes could not get used to the dark that had been released once again. They flickered for a moment and then shut with an almost unreal way.
The screaming guitar solo woke me up. I've always been a fan of rock music. Even if rock artists were considered drug addicts or alcoholics, they left in the world music scene rare diamonds. I was a rock star once. It did not last long because life had other plans for me. But it was a time I was happy working with my old band. There was unbelievable chemistry with all of the guys. And chemistry is an essence that really gives communication a strong uplifting. My beloved black guitar was still hanging on the wall of my room, serving now as an ornament. And reminding me of some beautiful moments of the past. I had forgotten the music playing all night.
- "What did I drink last night?", I wondered. "Damn. I forgot the music playing all night. But why didn't I listen to it until now. Feels like I was in a deep dream, which I can't even remember of”. The man was true to his words.
I stood up and walked to bathroom. I walked like a blind man, stumbling upon every piece of furniture. My eyes were burning. Like I had been in darkness for long and they were now complaining. But my room was full of light, since it was morning and I had already forgotten to close the blinds on the windows the previous night. Before my hands could touch the running water to wash my eyes, I heard the sound of the door bell.
- "Who can it be now?", I said and my voice was heard like a pirate moaning. I opened the door only to see a young child no more than 10 years old standing on my doorway. It was the younger member of a family comprised by two parents and other five children. They had all migrated from another country 4 years ago searching for a better life. They were living since then in our neighborhood. That youngling was dirty, and full of bruises from the countless times he had stumbled with his rusty bike. His clothes were over worn, and torn almost in every side. That little guy though, had a very strange spark in his eyes. He had nothing in this world. Only his self discovered games. And his imagination every day was building a new one. I could see him sometimes from the balcony, playing all alone in the park. His whole family were descent people too. They were discreet hard working people. And they loved all of their children despite the fact that they could offer them almost nothing of the material goods. Those people surely deserved a better future.
- "Mister James.I am very sorry to bother you. My mother said that I should come to you because you are not like all the other old people in our neighborhood. She said that you went to college and maybe you could help me". That kid had learned so quickly the new language. His accent was strange but he had made steps in learning, at a lever that the best linguists in the world would be jealous of. After all, children learn way faster than adults. They see it as another way of playing. And they are open to anything. Their mind is pure and free of concerns and memories.
- "Come inside MY FRIEND. I have a nice bottle of chocolate milk in the fridge and some cookies in the kitchen, and I need some company to finish them off". I pet his head as he walked in my apartment. We had breakfast together.
- "Your mom did good to sent you to me, cause those cookies where too many for me. But you should know that I quit college. That's something your mother doesn't know I guess".
- "You can still help me Mr. James." the kid said like he was apologizing for something bad he had done.
- "I will help you, but you must call me Jim like my friends call me, from now on. Ok?"
- "Ok Mr. Jim. Listen. I want you to write a letter for me. My parents don't have enough money to send me to school, and all those kids mock me because of my dirty clothes. I was trying to write this letter alone, but I don't know how to put the letters together. I want you to write that letter for me".
- "And what is this letter about my little friend?".
- "Do you know the rich family that lives across the road? They have a daughter. I wake up every day early in the morning to watch her daddy put her in the car on the way to school. And I sit on the pavement in the evening, to see her when she goes to her piano lessons. I want to watch her all day, Mr. Jim." he said with the childhood innocence of the first love.
- "Adults call what you feel love my friend. Did you talk to her?"
- "No I did not. But one day she smiled at me. She is so beautiful. Her daddy is rich. She goes to a private school. She takes piano lessons. She always wears the most expensive clothes. My father says that she will never talk to someone so poor like me. But my mom said that you should help me write a letter to her. She believes that she is a good girl, and that our God will help me talk to her. I will leave the letter outside her door in the evening. I will not sleep all night Mr. Jim to be sure that I will see her read my message".
- "I really want to help you my friend, but I don't know what to write to your letter".
- "Why Mr. Jim. Didn't you ever feel what you adults call love?". That little guy was sneaky. But his words were innocent. He was telling the truth.
My memory turned back some years. At the age 24. The tear that began rolling down my chick was the best answer to the little boy's question. I wiped it carefully with my finger. The boy was so obsessed with his love letter that did not even notice.
- " I will help you my friend. But I am not good at writing love letters. I remembered a song I wrote for my band some years ago. They never agreed to it though, because it was a love song. Bring me that paper and the pen from my office and I will write it down for you". The boy ran like the wind to bring that piece of paper. Love is so strange. Like they say in my country "Love does not discriminate between ages". He got back in a blink of an eye.
- "Here's how it goes" I told him, and he was staring in my eyes like his own life was hanging from my pen.
I was dreaming of an angel
And I found it in your eyes
Even when the dreams turn to lies
The dreamer never dies
If I had just one last breath
I would sacrifice it to kiss you
And even if you erased my memories
Just know I would still miss you
-"Ok. This is it. I believe it will work well. What's her name?"
- "Maria. Her name's Maria", said the young one and his voice was like an angel song singing a lullaby.
- "She has a beautiful name. So let's tell her who sends it. WITH LOVE TO MARIA FROM........Hey. I just noticed that the name your parents gave you in your native language is the same if you translate it in my language. So let's make it the right way. WITH LOVE TO MARIA FROM JIMMY... Here. Now you are ready to give it to her. But don't wait all night awaken. Just wake up very early to see if she will read it. Ok? And then come to tell me about it tomorrow.".
The boy grabbed the letter and ran like a raging bull to the door. On his descent down the staircase, I could listen to him shouting.
- "Thank you Mr. Jim. Thank You".
I closed the door and finally got myself into the bathroom. The music from my room was still playing. The squeaking voice of that blond long haired rocker (who had the tendency to perform live on his underwear) was being echoed all over the apartment. I put my head under the running water. A chill travelled from the bottom of my spine to the tip of my face. I raised my head looking straight at the mirror. But the mirror was gone. The doorway which was once filled with light had transformed into a mirror. The light was blinding, and the strange man was now closer than ever was staring at me from point blank range. I could finally see the details on his face. The details that the shadows on our previous meeting had so cleverly concealed. He was no other than myself in person. I was almost going to faint. But he was looking at me with a promising smile and a very confident look. I managed to gather my strength and look him back. He did not have to say anything this time. I knew them all.
- "Don't worry my friend. Our hearts and our souls, remember all the things our memory in unable to", he had said once.
- "I don't worry Jim. My heart and my soul remember now. And I have the best partner I could ever have”.
-"Ok. This is it. I believe it will work well. What's her name?"
- "Maria. Her name's Maria", said the young one and his voice was like an angel song singing a lullaby.
- "She has a beautiful name. So let's tell her who sends it. WITH LOVE TO MARIA FROM........Hey. I just noticed that the name your parents gave you in your native language is the same if you translate it in my language. So let's make it the right way. WITH LOVE TO MARIA FROM JIMMY... Here. Now you are ready to give it to her. But don't wait all night awaken. Just wake up very early to see if she will read it. Ok? And then come to tell me about it tomorrow.".
The boy grabbed the letter and ran like a raging bull to the door. On his descent down the staircase, I could listen to him shouting.
- "Thank you Mr. Jim. Thank You".
I closed the door and finally got myself into the bathroom. The music from my room was still playing. The squeaking voice of that blond long haired rocker (who had the tendency to perform live on his underwear) was being echoed all over the apartment. I put my head under the running water. A chill travelled from the bottom of my spine to the tip of my face. I raised my head looking straight at the mirror. But the mirror was gone. The doorway which was once filled with light had transformed into a mirror. The light was blinding, and the strange man was now closer than ever was staring at me from point blank range. I could finally see the details on his face. The details that the shadows on our previous meeting had so cleverly concealed. He was no other than myself in person. I was almost going to faint. But he was looking at me with a promising smile and a very confident look. I managed to gather my strength and look him back. He did not have to say anything this time. I knew them all.
- "Don't worry my friend. Our hearts and our souls, remember all the things our memory in unable to", he had said once.
- "I don't worry Jim. My heart and my soul remember now. And I have the best partner I could ever have”.
I turned around. My face was shining. A long smile was covering my whole face. I did not have to turn back to the mirror. I knew he was already gone.
- "Goodbye for the time being. I know you'll never go far". I said with my back against that mirror.
The music was still playing. The singer was shouting for the chorus of the song. "Take me down to the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty "
- "Ha-ha.".. I laughed with all my heart and without wasting a single second I said full of confidence.
- "I don't know about the pretty girls, but I really need to stride on that green grass right now. PARADISE CITY..HERE I COME".
