"I have always been blind"

     It would seem a sunny day for most. But for him it had always been cloudy. As for his state of mind, cloudy would only be a mild description. He took a stroll downtown. It was a special day today but he was not in the mood for special treatment. No one was there for him anyway. He tried to treat this day just like every other of the 365 days of the year. As always, passers-by were indifferent to him. The exotic bright colors in the clothes of the people passing around him were only a shade of grey for his eyes. His disappointment was a veil concealing almost every bright color of the world outside his own. This event never discouraged him though. Used to the sound of his own thoughts that ringed in his mind endlessly, he reached the yellow colored ,due to the autumn leaves, central park of the city. He took a sit on the nearest bench, and stared at the horizon , just like he had been doing for years. Nothing new, nothing promising but always beautiful and breathtaking was the sky. An old lady approached him and sat by him on the bench. She was way too old to walk alone in the park. She was way too old to do anything at all in fact. He did not care. He would continue his admiration for another 5 minutes and then return home. The old lady was in the mood for talking. Old folks never spent their time talking about nonsense. So she would surely say something meaningful. But in this case it was him, who wasn't in the mood for talking. The old lady was determined though. He could not avoid it in the end, and it would be impolite even for him to leave her hanging. The old lady spoke first of course. Her voice was more than reassuring and steady than her age would require. She said with a voice which was sweeter than what her appearance would reveal.


     - "I have a secret to tell you".


     - "I don't even know you. You are an old rugged lady. Probably homeless and hungry. And you approached me to tell me you have a secret for me? You do know I presume, that in this point I should call you crazy. If you want any money just ask. Maybe I could spare some for you. I have done it the past with people less worthy after all", he replied being more sarcastic than he usually was.


     - "Ohh, how many times they have called me crazy. You have no idea", she said confidently again.


     - "I am sure about that. But do I know you? How can I let you reveal to me that secret if I you are a complete stranger to me", he replied with a questioning tone in his voice.


     - "You don't know me. But I know you. In fact you've called my name many times. You shouted at me. You have cursed me many times. You have said many bad things to me and for me. You just don't know my name".

     - "I only know you for less than five minutes. How is it possible that I have done all those things you describe?. I do not even know your name.", he replied with a big question mark floating overhead.


     - "You see people call me with many different names. LIFE,GOD,ANGEL,FATE,FORTUNE,LUCK. There are many more and in hundreds of different languages. The thing is that I don't usually show myself cause no body believes me. But I know you do. Like I said I have a secret for you. It's not a happy one. And this is the reason I will grand you the answers to any three questions you ask me"


     - "So you say,that you are the embodiment of life, you are going to answer any question I want as long as I don't go over the number 3, and in the end you will reveal to me a secret which is sad?"


     - "Yes, that's what I said". she replied, and her voice sounded much younger than an old woman's voice.


     - "I am sure you understand that it really is hard for me to believe. But since you are crazy enough to say it, then I am crazier to listen to your sayings. I might stand up and leave afterwards, but I give you the benefit of the doubt. So let's start from the bad news. What is it?", he said.


     - " Ok. I was never good in lengthy speeches. So here you go. Today you stand exactly in the middle of your lifetime. It's your 24th birthday today so I don't have to do the math for you.", said the old woman.


     - "You call this bad news? I am happy you mentioned it. You would do me a great favor if you told me that my life span was less than another lousy 24 years", he answered. This time his confidence had vanished. He could refrain from showing it but his voice was a mixture of secret disappointment and refreshed relief.


     - " Believe me I know more that you attribute me, and I know how you feel inside. But time is not a luxury of mine, so now is the time for you to ask me any question you want. I will give you the answers you seek", said the woman and her voice became even sweeter, but her way of speaking sharper than a razor blade.


     - " Yeah. I agree. Let's get over with it. It has become very spooky here. So I have three questions. I'll be quick. Why did I have to suffer for a whole lifetime?"


    - " Suffer?? Do you think that's how suffering is?",she said sarcastically and continued. " You've been calling it suffering, so I won't disagree with you. Well, you have been "suffering" because you had to learn from your mistakes".

   - " MISTAKES?? I've always acted by the book. I've always been kind to the people around me. I treated them with dignity,love and understanding. I gave them from my bread when I was starving. I gave my blood, my sweat, my heart and my soul for others. And what did I get in return?? Nothing. They one day turned and walked away from me like I was their enemy. Without a single goodbye. I've been alone for many years. Unloved by everyone. Talking only with myself. What were my mistakes??", he answered furious with rage.


     - " You forgot yourself. You left him drowning when you could swim your way to the shore. Maybe there where not many helping hands, but you did not need them after all. You were strong. Your feelings where like quick sand. The more you let them rule your the more you got submerged to them.", said the lady.


     - " But they didn't go to waste. I put a little piece of my feelings,my heart and my soul in thousands of envelopes and mailed them to different people. I helped them. I gave them a shoulder to lean on. But no one gave anything to me. Not even the paper envelopes I had send." he said with his disappointment painted on his face.


     - " What did you expect? Humans are so used to being treated like garbage, so when they see someone caring about them, they are afraid that it might be a trick or a scam scheme." the lady answered reassuringly.


     - " What's the point of holding on to life?. If we have to suffer just to find true happiness. If what we find in the end can be called true happiness. We call it this way, cause we want to believe it was worth while in the end. But it is not. You have to find something colossal. Something that will make you hugely happy. Only then can you say that the whole pain was worth. Do you see anything that big? Do you see anything that significant around? No..It's all a lie. We live among lies. We create lies. And we love lies in the end. We feed from lies. And they feed from our support to lies. So please stop trying to convince me that pain was a way to free me from myself. You can't free something that is already free. You can't enslave what is already confined inside a cage. I've made mistakes. I've long ago forsaken myself. So what? Isn't it the noblest of deeds to sacrifice yourself  "pro bono". For a greater cause. Even for another person. Everybody says know yourself. Love yourself. And they forget to love those who stand by them".


      He had turned red, from all the struggle to hold on to being civilized. He suddenly felt the urge to break anything he would find before him. The old lady made a move to stand up, but she way too old to do it with ease. He saw that and he didn't care. That lady had infuriated him, but in a very peculiar way she had managed to strip him off any restrain. He had uttered things that he had never said to anyone else. Those words had been burning him from the inside all this years. And all this burning had taken its' toll in his whole existence. Yet this fire did not burn him to his embers. The fire had been searing every new wound. The pain of searing is even greater than the pain inflicted by the wound itself. But in the end it leaves the wound clearer. The searing had cleansed his every wound. It made the skin impenetrable. It left the soul purified. Still the scars from every wound were visible. But they were reminders of the former pain. They were the signs that pain had come, and gone and that fighting with pain was successful. They were signs that he could turn pain into memories, and then move on to greater pain, so that he could turn it into more memories. A circle. An eternal circle of struggle and sacrifice.
     For a moment all these thoughts became images in his mind. He had a flashback created by all these images. And in that flashback he could also dig out some beautiful happy moments he had forgotten by time. An unintentional disarming smile was shaped on his face. Memories worked as a painkiller. A reliever from the dark thoughts. This old lady played a game all along. She had it all planned in her mind. She knew what would happen beforehand and all she had to do was lay the cards on the deck in the right order. He chose the right cards in the end just like the old lady had known he would. Back in reality though, the old lady still had trouble standing up from that bench. His anger, his fury, his urge for vengeance had all vanished along with the bad memories. And for the first time for long he could now find unoccupied space in his heart to fill with brighter thoughts. He extended his arm touched the wrinkled weak hand of the old lady and helped her stand up. She turned her head slightly and stared deep in his eyes. It was the first time he had noticed the ladies eyes. Those brown eyes were staring at him with such an "out of this world look". She smiled warmly. And finally spoke back, like she already knew his thoughts.


- "I knew it. I knew you would understand it finally. I wasn't wrong choosing you. You are what I believed you were."


- "What, what do you mean?" he answered troubled by her words.

- " Even when you were mad at me, you finally helped me stand up. This is you. You can't pretend you can change. You can't even pretend to be someone else. So stay exactly what you are. You asked about suffering. You asked me why did you have to suffer. Until now you thought of suffering as something morbid. Tell me. Do you see what you have done with your pain and suffering? You were suffering and that revealed to you what real pain is. You could discriminate the pain in the lives of others. That's why you helped them all. Cause deep inside you, you wanted them to be what you would never be. Happy. Happier at least. You transformed your pain into something colorful. Into something good. You were holding ashes in your hands and you managed to turn them into bright wonderfully scented flowers. Flowers which you offered without asking back anything. Flowers which gave color to the lives of others. If you got back the return you were seeking you would had been drunk by the wine of fulfillment.You see, if you had a normal happy life none of these would have happened. You would never know that pain exist and is real.You asked me why did you have to suffer for a lifetime. You found the answer yourself. From the questioning look in your face I presume not only that you know the answer deep inside you but also that you already feel happy for your choices and the way you were obliged to live your whole life. I can see now that if I offered you the chance to change your life, you would not accept it."


- "You are right. I don't think I want to change anymore. My past 24 years forged me into what I really am. Even the slightest change in this and I would probably be someone totally different. I hate to admit it but you definitely are right. No need to say anything else. I finally see what you've been trying to show me for a lifetime.I am glad that all these happened. And I am obliged to you for helping me see all that. So I guess that now that I am finding myself with more will to live you will reveal to my that the fact that I am not exactly halfway in my life. I guess you will tell me it was only a trick to sting my interest", he answered with held-back confidence.


- " I never lie. Whatever I told you is true. I could change that. But today, here in that autumn themed empty park, you discovered one of my greatest secrets. Don't you think you have to pay for what you've learned? Knowing about the future is harder than living the present. This will not let you stray away from what you are. I did not tell you the secret to make you feel blue. I revealed that secret to you so that you will value every single second of the life that is left for you. Believe me, 24 years are is long time to live and thrive. Take advantage of them all", said the old lady who had slowly been walking away from the scene.


     He did not even notice that she had already been away from his side. He was already making plans for the future. He had to catch up with the time he lost all these years. He had to catch up with a life he had left rusting in his attic. He finally noticed that the old lady was walking slowly towards the pathway which would take her outside the park. But something was wrong. She had been walking straight to a low railing on the other side in which the bench they had been sitting on was located. She walked slowly but in a split second she stumbled upon the knee-high railing and fell down with all her weight. He was paralyzed from the strange scene. Such a powerful entity could not even navigate in our real world. He ran towards her and helped that fragile body stand up.


- "Are you all right? Didn't you notice that railing on the ground?", he said but even before he finished his words she stared again deep in his eyes.


- " Don't tell me you did not realize that I am blind?", she said while staring him even deeper. He felt a chill running up his spine. All the pieces of the puzzle were now to their right position. That explained why her eyes had such a very odd but mesmerizing look.


- "I have always been blind" she continued. - "That's why I can judge all of you. Cause I don't see you, but I can sense you"..